We Need To Talk About Wombats
We Need To Talk About Wombats
A comic by The Oatmeal
(this is not required to play the game.)
(a wombat looks at at a tower of square poop.)
(page break)
Hello
I'm The Oatmeal. I make comics and games
I drew this comic about wombats, an extraordinary marsupial. They're cute. They're Chonky. What's not to like?
While you do not need to read this comic to play the game, it will provide you with some key insight into why I think about wombats often. It will also arm you with fun facts to flaunt your big, fancy brain when you bring this game to parties.
Come learn
This wombat comic is about a lot of things
But mostly it is about butts.
-the oatmeal
(page break)
Listen
(wombat is sitting in the middle of the page)
(page break)
We need to talk.
(wombat is standing)
(page break)
about wombats
(wombat is sitting)
(page break)
There's a lot we could say about wombats.
(page break)
They're cute
(wombat is on his back with his paws up)
(page break)
They're marsupials who can weigh up to 80 lbs(36 kg).
(wombat on a scale. The scale reads "CHONKY")
(page break)
Their closest relatives are koalas.
(koala sitting on his butt)
(page break)
And a wombat actually weighs as much as 3 koalas
(a wombat siting next to 3 koalas sitting on each other's heads. One koala is saying "Is the stacking really necessary?")
(page break)
Wombats dig 100-ft (30 meter) long burrows with dozen of entrances.
(there are lot of holes in the ground. A wombat is sticking his head up and saying "I am a firm believer in skylights")
(page break)
A group of wombats is called a wisdom
(there are a group of eight wombats under a sign that says "Deep thinkers only". Many of the wombats are talking "Hello, Cynthia." "Greetings Charles" "Do crabs think that fish can fly?" "Interesting hypothesis, Higgins. I must mediate on this.". Some of the wombats have coffee.)
(page break)
And they can run at 25 mph(40 km/h). That's nearly the same speed as Usain Bolt.
(A wombat is running fast)
(page break)
But we're not here to talk about that.
(page break)
we're here to talk about BUTTS.
(picture of a wombat's butt)
(page break)
You've probably heard that wombats make cube-shaped turds, right?
(a wombat pooping out square poop)
(page break)
If not, congratulations.
You just learned a fun fact.
(square turd is front and central)
(page break)
Your brain probably deleted a childhood memory in order to make space for that fun fact.
(turd entering brain. Brain is labeled "worthless knowledge: 100% capacity). A smiling face is leaving the brain being thrown in the trash can)
(page break)
Maybe it was a memory of your dad pushing you really high on the swing set.
(picture of you being pushed on a swing set)
(page break)
That memory is gone and has been supplanted by a six-sided block of marsupial feces.
(same picture as before except with poop replacing your head and your dad's head)
(page break)
(cube of poop yelling 'higher papa, higher!" with your dad saying "Yes, my child)
(page break)
But the fun facts don't stop there. Wombats actually crap out 80-100 of these turds a day. If humans pooped this often(averaging 4 inches(10cm) per turd), we'd make 33 feet(10 meters) of poop per day.
(picture of 100 turds lined up in rows)
(page break)
that's roughly the height of 11.5 koalas
(stack of koalas with a koala chopped in half saying "please stop using us as a unit of measurement")
Wow.
These fun facts sure are fun.
(page back)
But they beg the question, why is wombat poop shaped like that?
(koala with an axe in one hand and a square poop in the other hand saying "why a cube, cousin? WHY NOT AN AXE?")
(page break)
Their stacked poop is used to mark their territory and also to attract potential mates.
Their turd totems are basically a wombat's version of a "keep out" sign
(a wombat with towers of poop holding a sign reading "abandon all hope, ye who enter my fortress of feces.")
(page break)
Or a dating profile
(a heart made out of square poop is in the center of the frame. a wombat is behind it saying "I will cherish you as I have cherished this turd statue.")
(page break)
and the REASON wombat poop is cube-shaped is so that they can stack it on a variety of tall, uneven surfaces, such as logs or rocks, without it rolling away.
(page break)
(wombat looking at a tower of poop saying "structural integrity is nominal")
(page break)
basically, they are playing Butt Jenga as a means of communication.
(page break)
Extraordinary, yes?
Yes.
But that's still not why we're here today having this conversation about wombats.
(picture of wombat looking directly at you.)
(page break)
We're actually here to talk about butt cheeks.
(page break)
Wombat butt cheeks are composed of bone players that have fused together to form a protective shield.
On top of that shield is a layer of fat skin and fur.
(picture of the different layers)
(page break)
When attacked, a wombat will dive into a burrow with their rump facing outward.
(picture of wombat in their burrow)
(page break)
This is because their armored butts contain very few nerve endings, so when they're scratched or bitten, they barely feel it.
(picture of a wombat butt with a check icon. The words "Wombat Bum = 100% secure" are under it.)
(page break)
They basically have Captain America's shield embedded in their incredible butt plates.
(page break)
And while in this defensive position, a wombat will often flatten its body out, leaving a gap between themselves and the roof of their burrow.
(picture of the wombat in their tunnel with their butt pointed out. There is a gap between the roof and the wombat.)
(page break)
When a predator pokes its head into that gap, the wombat will do something remarkable.
(drawing of a direpig(not a real animal) attacking a wombat in a burrow. There is a gap, an arrow pointing out the wombuns of steel and an arrow pointing to the wombat(a real animal) )
(page break)
The wombat will slam it's battle-hardened buttocks upward, CRUSHING THE PREDATOR'S SKULL with a series of BREATHTAKING BUTT SLAMS.
(page break)
(picture on line paper showing a wombat smashing the direpig between the roof of the tunnel and the top of it's body)
(page break)
And this, my dear reader, is why we're having a conversation about wombats.
(picture of dead direpig with the words "RIP, Direpig. Gone but not forgotten")
(page break)
They have surface-to-skull missiles. Marvelous murder-cheeks. Weaponized HamSlammers.
(page break)
Wombats are adorable, huge, high-speed marsupials who defecate LEGO (R) bricks and crush the skulls of their enemies using BRUTAL, BEAUTIFUL BUTTOCKS
(page break)
(picture of shiny wombat butt)
(page break)
They are extraordinary
(wombat floating in space with square wombat poops)
(page break)
I think about them often
(page break)
You should too.
(page break)
(man staring up at the sky to a massive floating wombat in the sky)
Written and drawn by The Oatmeal.
Copyright 2022 The Oatmeal.
A comic by The Oatmeal
(this is not required to play the game.)
(a wombat looks at at a tower of square poop.)
(page break)
Hello
I'm The Oatmeal. I make comics and games
I drew this comic about wombats, an extraordinary marsupial. They're cute. They're Chonky. What's not to like?
While you do not need to read this comic to play the game, it will provide you with some key insight into why I think about wombats often. It will also arm you with fun facts to flaunt your big, fancy brain when you bring this game to parties.
Come learn
This wombat comic is about a lot of things
But mostly it is about butts.
-the oatmeal
(page break)
Listen
(wombat is sitting in the middle of the page)
(page break)
We need to talk.
(wombat is standing)
(page break)
about wombats
(wombat is sitting)
(page break)
There's a lot we could say about wombats.
(page break)
They're cute
(wombat is on his back with his paws up)
(page break)
They're marsupials who can weigh up to 80 lbs(36 kg).
(wombat on a scale. The scale reads "CHONKY")
(page break)
Their closest relatives are koalas.
(koala sitting on his butt)
(page break)
And a wombat actually weighs as much as 3 koalas
(a wombat siting next to 3 koalas sitting on each other's heads. One koala is saying "Is the stacking really necessary?")
(page break)
Wombats dig 100-ft (30 meter) long burrows with dozen of entrances.
(there are lot of holes in the ground. A wombat is sticking his head up and saying "I am a firm believer in skylights")
(page break)
A group of wombats is called a wisdom
(there are a group of eight wombats under a sign that says "Deep thinkers only". Many of the wombats are talking "Hello, Cynthia." "Greetings Charles" "Do crabs think that fish can fly?" "Interesting hypothesis, Higgins. I must mediate on this.". Some of the wombats have coffee.)
(page break)
And they can run at 25 mph(40 km/h). That's nearly the same speed as Usain Bolt.
(A wombat is running fast)
(page break)
But we're not here to talk about that.
(page break)
we're here to talk about BUTTS.
(picture of a wombat's butt)
(page break)
You've probably heard that wombats make cube-shaped turds, right?
(a wombat pooping out square poop)
(page break)
If not, congratulations.
You just learned a fun fact.
(square turd is front and central)
(page break)
Your brain probably deleted a childhood memory in order to make space for that fun fact.
(turd entering brain. Brain is labeled "worthless knowledge: 100% capacity). A smiling face is leaving the brain being thrown in the trash can)
(page break)
Maybe it was a memory of your dad pushing you really high on the swing set.
(picture of you being pushed on a swing set)
(page break)
That memory is gone and has been supplanted by a six-sided block of marsupial feces.
(same picture as before except with poop replacing your head and your dad's head)
(page break)
(cube of poop yelling 'higher papa, higher!" with your dad saying "Yes, my child)
(page break)
But the fun facts don't stop there. Wombats actually crap out 80-100 of these turds a day. If humans pooped this often(averaging 4 inches(10cm) per turd), we'd make 33 feet(10 meters) of poop per day.
(picture of 100 turds lined up in rows)
(page break)
that's roughly the height of 11.5 koalas
(stack of koalas with a koala chopped in half saying "please stop using us as a unit of measurement")
Wow.
These fun facts sure are fun.
(page back)
But they beg the question, why is wombat poop shaped like that?
(koala with an axe in one hand and a square poop in the other hand saying "why a cube, cousin? WHY NOT AN AXE?")
(page break)
Their stacked poop is used to mark their territory and also to attract potential mates.
Their turd totems are basically a wombat's version of a "keep out" sign
(a wombat with towers of poop holding a sign reading "abandon all hope, ye who enter my fortress of feces.")
(page break)
Or a dating profile
(a heart made out of square poop is in the center of the frame. a wombat is behind it saying "I will cherish you as I have cherished this turd statue.")
(page break)
and the REASON wombat poop is cube-shaped is so that they can stack it on a variety of tall, uneven surfaces, such as logs or rocks, without it rolling away.
(page break)
(wombat looking at a tower of poop saying "structural integrity is nominal")
(page break)
basically, they are playing Butt Jenga as a means of communication.
(page break)
Extraordinary, yes?
Yes.
But that's still not why we're here today having this conversation about wombats.
(picture of wombat looking directly at you.)
(page break)
We're actually here to talk about butt cheeks.
(page break)
Wombat butt cheeks are composed of bone players that have fused together to form a protective shield.
On top of that shield is a layer of fat skin and fur.
(picture of the different layers)
(page break)
When attacked, a wombat will dive into a burrow with their rump facing outward.
(picture of wombat in their burrow)
(page break)
This is because their armored butts contain very few nerve endings, so when they're scratched or bitten, they barely feel it.
(picture of a wombat butt with a check icon. The words "Wombat Bum = 100% secure" are under it.)
(page break)
They basically have Captain America's shield embedded in their incredible butt plates.
(page break)
And while in this defensive position, a wombat will often flatten its body out, leaving a gap between themselves and the roof of their burrow.
(picture of the wombat in their tunnel with their butt pointed out. There is a gap between the roof and the wombat.)
(page break)
When a predator pokes its head into that gap, the wombat will do something remarkable.
(drawing of a direpig(not a real animal) attacking a wombat in a burrow. There is a gap, an arrow pointing out the wombuns of steel and an arrow pointing to the wombat(a real animal) )
(page break)
The wombat will slam it's battle-hardened buttocks upward, CRUSHING THE PREDATOR'S SKULL with a series of BREATHTAKING BUTT SLAMS.
(page break)
(picture on line paper showing a wombat smashing the direpig between the roof of the tunnel and the top of it's body)
(page break)
And this, my dear reader, is why we're having a conversation about wombats.
(picture of dead direpig with the words "RIP, Direpig. Gone but not forgotten")
(page break)
They have surface-to-skull missiles. Marvelous murder-cheeks. Weaponized HamSlammers.
(page break)
Wombats are adorable, huge, high-speed marsupials who defecate LEGO (R) bricks and crush the skulls of their enemies using BRUTAL, BEAUTIFUL BUTTOCKS
(page break)
(picture of shiny wombat butt)
(page break)
They are extraordinary
(wombat floating in space with square wombat poops)
(page break)
I think about them often
(page break)
You should too.
(page break)
(man staring up at the sky to a massive floating wombat in the sky)
Written and drawn by The Oatmeal.
Copyright 2022 The Oatmeal.